SIGNS

Being the kind Christian person I am I usually do not mock other churches, other people maybe but not other churches.  When I saw this sign outside a local church however, I just had to stop and take a picture.

Seriously?  I'll be taking that as a sign that I won't be attending this church.

CAN YOU SPOT THE DIFFERENCE?

I am sure you have played a Spot The Difference game at some time or another in your lifetime.  I like to play my own version of it here at home.  I change something in the house and wait to see how long it takes Ian to notice it.  So when he was gone a couple of weeks ago I took this...

and painted it to look like this....

Notice that I even changed out the hardware.  

This little table and matching mirror (not shown) sit right next to a closet that Ian uses every single day.   It has been an entire week.  He still hasn't noticed.   

A PIERCING QUESTION

What is it with all the piercings I see on young and not so young people I encounter from day to day?  I can't for the life of me understand why someone would want to do this to themselves...

Really? Forget for a moment the one through the bridge of the nose, is the other a remnant of where his father stapled his nose to his homework?  or is it a DIY project gone awry? You would expect to see this in a hospital emergency room, not the mall.

And this one has HOT written all over it....

...not. Is that an underwear line above the piercing, 'cause if it is, it just doubled that guy"s sexiness.

What possessed this man (at least I hope it's a man) to do this...

I sure hope it was worth the pain.  Do girls even like this?  Am I going out on a limb here when I say "gross"?

I'm sorry honey but I don't think a piercing is going to make that belly any more appealing.

There are some things you just don't want to draw attention to.  

Last night I saw a version of this....

...on a larger not very attractive girl.  Perhaps she was trying to draw attention away from her face.  Sorry that was just mean, true but mean.

Perhaps they did not get those piercings on their own volition.

"I was just walking along minding my own business when this giant shiny thing appeared in the sky.  Next thing I know, boom!, I wake up with this thing in my ear."

Yes, that explains it, Human Tagging by aliens.

Don't get me started on tattoos.

 

OH WHAT A NIGHT!

My day started before seven this morning when I heard two of my lovely grandchildren up running around.  How is it possible that a twenty five pound two year old and a thirty five pound four year old can manage to sound like a whole herd of elephants?  Apparently they were trying to be quiet.  FAIL

Soon after, I heard the one year old crying so I got her and discovered that she was not feeling well and wanted nothing to do with anybody but me. This can quite often be the case even when she is not sick and I usually find it endearing but after a weekend with eight adults in the house and four children under the age of four, I really wanted to get my home back in some semblance of order.  FAIL

I babysat all three of my grandkids today and despite the baby being sick, it went quite well especially while Nathan and Emily were here helping to entertain the older two while I tended to the baby, that is until tonight when all three of them decided they weren't going to bed without a fight. I went up two flights of stairs no less than seven times giving at least six stern warnings. FAIL

When it seemed that all the kids were settled I grabbed a spoon from the kitchen and a carton of Kit Kat ice cream from the freezer  and drowned my sorrows in the delicious taste Kit Kat suspended in creamy chocolate ice cream. There was no bowl involved, yes you read it right,  judge me if you must  and yes I know it has like a kijillion calories but at that point I couldn't have cared less and besides I had gone up two flights of stairs seven times...seven times people!  I guess now that I have eaten straight from the carton, I can't really allow anyone else to have any. WIN

THE DOORS (NOT THE ROCK BAND)

Now that we've been married for 30 years there's not much left to argue over we rarely ever argue.  We will however have a debate every now and again over things that are extremely important  generally benign.  Like the numbering of our garage door remotes.  We have a four car garage and unlike most Canadians, we do keep cars in our garage.  Why does the typical Canadian family cram their garage full of junk and park their car on the driveway to be covered in snow? but I digress....

So back to our remotes...there are four of them and each one differs slightly from the others.  Ian knows which one is his so there is never a problem until he wants to use my car.  I thought I had solved the problem when I took my handy dandy label maker and labelled all the remotes one through four.

Ian: "Which remote is for which door?"

Me: "I didn't think it could be any clearer, remote number one for door number one."

Ian: "Which is door number one?'

Thus began our debate.

I correctly know think that the doors should be numbered left to right (just like reading) as you come up the driveway.

Ian ridiculously believes that the doors should be numbered in ascending order starting with the door closest to the house.

Obviously surely you'll agree with me.  I guess it doesn't really matter either way because 1. The remotes are already marked and I am not worried about Ian changing them because he doesn't know how to use the label maker and 2. If more of you agree with Ian, I will not be divulging that information with him.  I will however be sure to tell him time and again that more agree with me.

H IS FOR....

• HORRENDOUS
• HORRIBLE
• HORRID
• HIDEOUS
• HELLISH

 I often make changes while Ian's gone because quite frankly he prefers to be away when there is going to be mess and disruption.  This year I decided I would paint our bedroom.  We had painted our guest bedroom last summer and I quite liked the colour and thought a similar colour would go well in our room.  We have two very large windows in our bedroom and so when I held up the paint chip in the natural light it was the shade I thought I wanted. I was even afraid it would look almost white. It was supposed to be an almost silver colour with just a hint of lilac and I mean just a hint.  It  looks like a purple peep threw up on the walls.  If I had time I would have changed it before Ian got back  but seeing as he is supposed to be arriving home in an hour...  What was I thinking?

This is pretty much the colour of my room.  I'm off to cry in my pillow.

IT MEANS WHAT?

As Brittany read my post from yesterday she laughed out loud which kind of confused me because there wasn't really anything that funny in it.

"Mom!" she said "you should not have put 'eat out' on there."

"What?...why not?"

"Don't you know what it means?"

Now I thought I was pretty knowledgeable in these things, after all I know what MILF means and the alternate meaning to 'tossing a salad' (trust me, you do not want to know) but 'eating out' was new to me.  So to clear up any confusion, when I used the term 'eating out' I was referring to the fact that Ian was indeed going out to a restaurant to have dinner.

LOVE NOTES

I love that my husband

• thinks I am a genius when it comes to putting things together, setting up the surround sound, using the DVD player, and working anything electronic.
• puts up with appreciates my quirky sense of humour.
• honours my role as mother and now grandmother.
• encourages me to do things he finds totally ridiculous, like bungee jumping.
• allows me to be my own person.
• doesn't get mad when I laugh at his foibles.
• is super organized.

I love that

• he may not notice right away that I've changed the colour of a room but he instantly notices when I clear off the top of the microwave/fridge/bar.
• he makes pancakes for the grandkids when they stay over. They love it!
• breakfast is the only meal he can prepare with aptitude.
• he shines the tires on the cars (I'm talking about the black part) He's the only person I know that does that but there must be others because there is an actual product for it.
• I never, ever have to pick up after him.  He wishes he could say the same for me.

I can't think of a more perfect man to go through life with.  Happy 30th Anniversary Ian!

Now you know how perfectly wonderful my husband is but I can't let it be all one sided so let me tell you how wonderful I am (although I think you already know except for those who aren't talking to me after yesterday's post).  While I am sitting here writing this post in the semi frozen north (because apparently Spring didn't get the memo that it's supposed to be here) my husband is golfing in warmer climes, getting a tan, having a massage, and eating out, all on our 30th anniversary... without me..and I am not even complaining, not one little bit because I am a super awesome wife like that.

LETTING THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG

If you did not read yesterday's post go here first or this will not make much sense at all!


So I get the feeling you are all dying to know what was in that lady's shopping bag and whether or not it was worth the 20 dollars she stole from me....

I opened the bag and there was the weirdest thing I have ever seen.  It was a stick about the length and width of a standard size ruler with an elastic cord on one end.  On the other end of the elastic was a plastic leg, yes leg, and apparently you pull on the leg in much the same way as I am pulling on your leg right now.  *smile*  Happy Belated April Fool's Day. I am wondering if I will have any friends left after this.  I know, I am evil.  I couldn't help myself and I just knew that if I had posted this on April first, too many of you would have guessed what I was up to.  Brittany says I'm lucky that no one can reach out and slap me over the internet.  When I saw how many hits I got on this post yesterday, I started to worry that it might go viral and I would end up on Ellen or something and that would just cause major problems in my family because which kid would I take as my guest without upsetting the others?

I really did believe that this was only going to be read by just a few people and I could feel it spiralling out of control when I realized others were reposting it.  Don't you think that's payback enough.. the worry it caused me...the fear of retribution?

Don't feel bad if you got sucked in, judging from all the comments I got, you're not the only one.

I have a feeling I'm in trouble.

WHO DOES THAT?

This morning Brittany and I went in to town to run a few errands which basically means we went to Wal-mart ( a shocker I know to think that I would ever shop at Wal-mart).  As we waited in line for the shopper ahead of us to finish paying for her purchases, I pulled out my debit card in preparation to pay for the few items I had on the conveyer belt.  On the drive in to town, Brittany had given me a 20 dollar bill to pay me for some diapers I had picked up for her the day before and instead of putting it in my wallet, I just threw it into my purse.  There is a reason I am telling you all this because you see, as I pulled my wallet out of my purse, that 20 dollar bill fell out on to the floor where the lady ahead of me picked it up and instead of handing it to me she put it in her pocket!  At first I thought she was joking with me and gave a half laugh until I realized she was serious. To say I was shocked is an understatement. 

Me: "Excuse me, that's my twenty dollars you just picked up."

Her: "No it isn't."

Me: "Yes it is, it just fell out of my purse."

Brittany: "That's my mom's money."

I looked at the cashier for help but she just shrugged her shoulders and apologized that she hadn't seen any of it transpire.

Me:"I'd like my money back please!"

Her: "It's not yours, it's mine."

Me: "Are you serious? I can promise you that it's mine."

Her: "Does it have your name on it?"

Me: "What?...NO!, I don't go around writing my name on my money."

Her: "Then how can you prove it is yours?"

With that she turned and walked away. I stood there shocked (and ticked, I might add). Seriously who does that?  Brittany urged me to have security called but the woman was almost out the door already and really, how could I prove it was mine.  It was at this point that I realized that the woman had left behind one of her shopping bags, you know the kind that is reusable and is certainly distinguishable from the grey plastic bags that Wal-mart uses? Just as I finished paying for my stuff and with Brittany badgering me to do something about the situation, I saw the woman marching back toward the counter. Aha, she had realized that in her haste to get away she'd left her bag behind! Too bad for her.  I picked up her shopping bag and slung it over my shoulder.

Her: "That's my shopping bag you have there!"

Me: " Um...Does it have your name on it? 

Her: "NO!"

Me: "I didn't think so."

I left the store with a huge smile on my face.  I couldn't have cared less if her shopping bag contained 2 dollars worth of stuff or 200 dollars.  We hightailed it to the car and took off before anyone could call us back laughing the whole way and yes, I did keep the bag.

Now I know you are wondering what was in the bag but I haven't taken any pictures of the loot yet so it will have to wait until tomorrow.  For those of you whom I have talked to today and related this story, don't spoil it for the rest.  It really requires a picture to do it justice.

WHO LOVES YA BABY?

I was driving in the car today with my one and only daughter and as I looked over at her, I experienced an overwhelming feeling of love.

My thought process:


"I should tell her I love her...yeah but that's going to sound weird though... I mean we've been driving in silence for the past ten minutes... still, if I have these feelings I should express them even if she will think it's strange.... people don't say 'I love you' enough so I should just say it....  yeah but she's definitely going to think its weird... it's just out of the blue...she's going to wonder what brought this all on...just say it already... okay well here goes. "

"I love you Brittany."

"Awww thanks mom, I love you too."

Silence.

"Where on earth did that come from?"

I knew it.

THE GOOD OLD DAYS

Every now and again I find myself wishing I could go back and live in a simpler time and then I see things like this.

I'd be up for this if there was an ipad on it but seriously, kitchen appliances?  and crying? If only it were that easy.

This ad tells moms that their kids will be cool as teenagers if they start their kids drinking soda early.  Yeah, they'll be cool alright...and fat...and diabetic...and have a mouth full of cavities, but they'll be cool.

I sho' hope for Rastus that the NAACP started up not long after this ad appeared.  

Well I have to admit that in my house, cooking is my job but only because I can't stomach the grey scrambled eggs my husband would serve otherwise.  I wonder if this ad campaign had another that said"The Chef does everything but clean up after itself-that's what wives are for!"  Daniel will love this ad.

I like how this ad is sure to point out that the revolvers are not toys yet they show a little girl playing with one. I guess at least they are not being sexist.  All guns should be made this way.  No husband would be able to say "I was cleaning my gun when it accidentally went off and killed my wife...while she was sleeping in bed." If we ever get a gun (and we won't) it will be one of these. I really do have to stop watching Tru TV.

SIGNS

After my last post a friend asked if I had seen the movie Signs.  My answer to that question is yes and just recently too.  That would explain why I was  totally slightly freaked out when our baby monitor receiver made some crackling noises when there was nobody else in the house except my husband who was sound asleep (I checked).  I wasn't brave enough to go upstairs and investigate the source of the noise but crossed my fingers and actually hoped that it was a mouse wandering around looking for something good to eat.   My paranoia increased a notch or two as in the light of day I worked up enough courage to go into the room with the baby monitor only to discover that the monitor wasn't even plugged in. Great, just when I was starting to feel comfortable about staying in the house by myself when Ian is away.  I immediately went downstairs and unplugged the receiver.  I keep reminding myself that I do have an overactive imagination and that I need to use the logical side of my brain more often. Easier said than done.  Just ask my boys about  making them run all the way home from the movie theatre with me upon hearing some rustling in the bushes after watching Jurassic Park.  What?...it was dark... and we'd just finished watching Jurassic Park... and there was rustling... in the bushes... it could have been velociraptors... seriously... it could have been.

NO SAFE PLACE

I have been good about limiting my time watching Tru TV and The Health Channel except for when Ian's around, then I watch Tru TV.

Me:  "I don't know why these men think they can get away with murdering their wives, don't they know that the husband is always the first person the police investigate?"

This is met with silence. Does he not know that this is not a rhetorical question?

I continue "and in an age with so much sophisticated forensic technology, you would have to be stupid to commit a serious crime."

"You would have to be pretty stupid" he agrees. Good, I think he got my point.

So anyway, now that I am limiting my time watching these channels I am left watching the Sci Fi channel.  I thought this was a good choice until last week when I was home alone late at night and heard a noise outside.  My first thought should have been a raccoon, skunk or deer but no, now I imagine aliens (don't laugh).  To my understanding they tend to land in secluded areas and go about what aliens do.  I live in a secluded area and who knows, perhaps I am just the kind of specimen aliens are looking for.  According to Stephen Hawking, if you should run into an alien you should avoid contact with it.  Really? 'cause I thought maybe you would invite it in for tea... herbal of course because I am Mormon and we don't drink tea or coffee.
Let's forget aliens for a second, did you know that there are asteroids flying all around our lovely planet and that it's only a matter of time before we are hit with a big one?  I've been to Arizona and seen the huge crater where one hit before.  This is not my imagination people.  We're basically playing dodgeball with these things and there is no safe place to hide.
Don't worry friends I am not really too worried about the asteroid thing after all there's not much we can do about it anyway, and I don't really believe in aliens unless of course I am home alone late at night.

SIGNS

Top ten signs that you were a good mother.

1. You read to your kids almost every night.
2. You did helped your kids with their homework.
3. You fed your kids healthy, well balanced meals every day.
4. You read scriptures and had family prayer almost every day.
5. You gave your kids lots of praise and affection. 
6. You played with your kids.
7. You sang to your  kids.
8. You taught your kids manners.
9. You made sure your kids were clean and well rested.
10. You taught your kids essential skills.

Top ten signs that perhaps you were not the best mother:

1. You laughed when your kids told you the mischief they'd been up to.
2. You paid your kids a quarter to slide down the stairs in a cardboard box.
3. You laughed when your child took a tumble out of a SLOW moving van.
4. You told your kids to go play outside but be mindful of bears then snuck around the back of the house and growled loudly.
5. You made your kids ride on roller coasters even though they were scared just so you didn't have to ride alone.
6. You encouraged your son to go into a lingerie store and ask to try on the underwear.
7. You slammed on the brakes and screamed when your kids fell asleep in the car.
8. You showed up at  the school cafeteria on your daughter's 16th birthday in a gorilla costume with a bouquet of balloons and a birthday cake to share.
9. You fed your son and his friends pancakes with tiny little weevils in them for an April Fool's joke.  Your in laws may or may not have been fed them too.
10. When people called to tattle report your children's misbehaviour, they would ask for their father even though you were the one that answered the phone.

FOOLISH ENDEAVOURS

I have to say it was quite enjoyable watching my super organized husband search for his glasses and watch on April 1st.  I hadn't really planned on pulling a prank on him because by now he's wise to me and it's hard to get him.  When I awoke on Friday morning I felt disappointed that I hadn't even attempted a prank, it was then that I spotted his glasses and watch sitting on his nightstand.  He puts them there every night before he goes to bed.  I could hear him getting out of the shower so I quickly grabbed them and slid them under the covers and pretended to still be asleep.  As he walked over to the dresser to get his socks, I opened one eye and mumbled good morning to him.  He walked over to his nightstand and wondered aloud about where his watch could be.  I pretended to not pay attention.  He muttered something about maybe it being in his office and off he went in search of them.  I remained in bed giggling under the covers.  He soon returned and now realized that his watch was missing too.  He looked at me but I played it cool, pretending to be semi comatose (my usual morning persona) and mumbled something about having no clue as to where they'd be.  He opened the drawer and then checked the floor beside the bed.  He was totally bewildered.  He went into the bathroom to see if perhaps he had left them in there the night before.  When he came back out, I threw back the blanket to reveal their hiding place. "Happy April Fool's Day"

To end the day, I served my lovely little grandchildren veggies for dinner only they were really Starburst candy I cut and moulded to look like peas and carrots.  They have never eaten their veggies so eagerly before.

Did you pull a prank or get pranked for April Fool's?