BELIEVE IT OR NOT

I have had many debates with my American friends over the years about America's love affair with guns.   I am going to have to keep this one in my arsenal of arguments.

You have to read this. (the whole thing)

THE GIFT

Ian isn't known for his gift giving prowess.  I don't hold it against him or show disappointment when he gives a less than stellar gift, after all most men are a bit clueless in that department.  In fact most of my  friends have complained to me at some time or another that after dropping major hints as to what they would like for their birthday or for Christmas, they are most usually disappointed  by what they receive.  Let's face it ladies, hints don't work with men.  You basically have to spell it out in bold letters for the guys to get it.

Some of Ian's infamous gifts?

A vacuum cleaner.  Okay, so we needed one... badly... but a vacuum cleaner?

A garden wagon which just happened to match the riding lawn mower and which I had to put together.  His comment?  "I know how you like to put things together."  um ... Thank you?

A dog training book by the Dog Whisperer for Christmas.  Might have come in handy if we had a dog!  It prompted a false excitement that we were getting a dog. (Ian knew that I enjoyed watching the show)

Liqueur filled chocolates.  Now I know of a few of my friends who would have been happy with those but I don't drink.


These gifts were chosen with a lot of thought and I appreciated both the gifts and the giver.   We did need a vacuum and the garden wagon was very handy and much used, the dog training book I was able to pass on to a friend with an unruly dog.  I don't think she read it.  I can't remember what I did with the liqueur filled chocolates, perhaps ate them in a a moment of weakness brought on by PMS?   I most likely passed them on to someone who would enjoy them.

Sometimes, Ian surprises the heck out of me by presenting a gift that exceeds all expectations like the time he took me dog sledding for my birthday.  It was an amazing almost death defying experience that I will never forget.  This Christmas this is what I found under the Christmas tree...

That's right, an ipad.  Months of hinting and begging and imploring paid off.  Ian you are honestly the best husband ever and not just because you got me an ipad (but it helps).

TRADITIONS

Last week we celebrated Thanksgiving.  It's one of my favourite holidays - let's be honest, any holiday where our family gets together is my favourite.  

We have a few traditions associated with this day.  The first one occurs mid afternoon when Ian offers to help set the table.

TRADITION 1

Ian: Would you like help setting the table?

Me: Um... I guess... if you really want to. (I know what's coming)

Ian: There's a lot of people here, do you just want to use paper plates?

Me: No, I want to use the china.

Ian: Are you sure?

Me: Yes, I'm quite sure.

Ian: Should I get the glasses from the kitchen?  You don't want to use the crystal do you?

Me: Yes, I want to use the crystal.

It is the same conversation we will have at Christmas and then again at Easter.  We bought some lovely crystal glasses on a trip to Ireland a few years ago and I think it's funny that Ian never wants use them.  There is a reason for this which I will explain later.

TRADITION 2

Before our meal begins, we go around the table and each person tells what they are most thankful for.  Usually by the time we get to the end there will have been a few laughs and a few tears.  It is the best part of my day.

TRADITION 3

We all eat too much turkey and the trimmings but always seem to have enough room for dessert.


TRADITION 4

The guys do the dishes.  This is the reason that Ian hates to use the crystal glasses...they need to be hand washed.   While I enjoy taking a rest after the meal, I pay for this act of kindness when I get asked a million questions as to where things belong and then for the rest of the week as I try to find all my kitchen gadgets.

TRADITION 5

Relaxing after the meal and dishes are done.  This takes many forms but we seem to congregate together and play a game.  This year we gathered around our outdoor fireplace and watched the stars come out while drinking hot chocolate.  

I think Matthew went a little overboard with the fire but I'll let you be the judge.

The only thing that kept this from being an absolutely perfect day was the absence of Daniel, Olivia, and Adam.  We missed them. : (

MALAPROPISMS

I have a confession to make, I'm a Gleek. In fact, I just bought the entire first season of Glee with the plan to wrap it up and give it to myself for Christmas... I often do this so that I am guaranteed at least one present I want... but my resolve wavered and it got opened as soon as I got back to Brittany's.  Nathan and Emily have been coming over each night to watch it too.  I knew we had overdone it when Brittany and I both happened to have dreams about Glee on the same night.  Last night as we were discussing this over dinner at the mall... we eat high class... Ben joined the conversation and mentioned something about "Huck". Brittany corrected him "you mean Puck?"
Ben then carried on about thinking his name was "Huck" like from the song.  The song? what song?
Ben then began to sing "Huckleberry Finn in the old oak tree merry merry something something".

This was all sung to the tune of a very familiar Australian song.

We all looked at each other and started to laugh.  "I think the words are kookaburra sits in the old gum tree, merry merry king of the bush is he..."

This is the same guy who until recently thought that when someone gave you their cast off clothes they were called handy downs.

Brittany has her work cut out for her.

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL

My husband is a constant source of amusement to me.  He doesn't mean to be funny, he just is.  He wouldn't be so funny if he just asked a straight up question but he always tacks something on the end that makes me laugh hysterically which does not impress him, which makes it all the funnier.  

Ian (reading my facebook page over my shoulder): "What does lol mean?... lots of love?"  

Tonight we were in a home furnishing store and he spotted some huge mirrors and by huge I mean huge.

Ian: "Look at the size of those mirrors."

Me: "Those are the kind that sit on the floor."

Ian: "What?... really?... you put them on the floor and walk on them?  (This was asked in all seriousness).

Me (trying to contain my laughter): "No, you just don't hang them up, you rest them against the wall."

Right now, his back is turned to me and I am plugging my nose so he can't hear me snickering.

THE TALENTED MR. IAN

I fear that if I continue to blog about my dear husband, I will not  remain married for long but tonight I just cannot help myself.  Here is the gist of a conversation we had last night.

Me (coming into the bedroom, finding him with remote in hand).  "Whatcha watching?"

Ian: "The Talented Mr. Ripley."

Me: "Really???"

"Yes,  why have you seen it?'

"No, but you have."

"No I haven't."

"Ah yes you have, a long time ago, you didn't like it and you told me not to bother watching it, that I wouldn't like it either."

"I'm pretty sure I haven't seen it."

I will interject at this point and tell you that this is the same man whom in the space of a year rented the same movie four times telling me it must be a good one because it had both Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson in it.  It wasn't.  The fourth time he brought it home, I thought  he was joking.  He wasn't.   Back to our conversation.

"Trust me Ian, you've seen it and anyway I thought you'd be watching the hockey game. (Canada vs US Olympic game)

"It's not on"

"Yes it is.  It started at seven forty"

"Well we don't get it then"

"What do you mean?"

"I've been through the channels and I'm telling you we don't get it."

"We've been getting the other olympic events so I'm pretty sure we get it." I take the remote from his hands, scroll through the guide, click on a channel and voila! the hockey game appears on the screen.  He is suitably impressed with my channel finding skills.


Fast forward to tonight.

Ian: " I watched the rest of that movie last night in between watching the game. "(Such a man thing.)

"Did you remember having seen it?"

"No, but I didn't like it... you wouldn't either."

TOO MUCH FUN

Sincerest apologies  for neglecting my blog.  The excuse?  Well to be perfectly honest, I have been having entirely way too much fun with my family.  All the kids made it home for Christmas meaning my house was an absolute disaster (12 people here most days), my cupboards were overflowing with junk food( chips, cheetos popcorn, pop, cookies, chocolate, ice cream, sugary cereal, and the list goes on), and it was a miracle if I made it to bed before one in the morning.  We packed a ton of fun into the two weeks that most of the kids were home. Here are some of the highlights.

Pajamas: I was able to get everybody to wear matching pajamas for a picture to commemorate the fact that we were all home together for Christmas for the first time in a number of years.  Not one of them complained. Bonus

Rock Band: Possibly the most fun family gift we've ever received.  Ben owned the drums and Brittany and Adam played expert level on the guitar and bass.  Even the die hard Call of Duty fans got involved and miracle of miracles, dear hubby, hater of video games, had a go too.

Christmas Dinner: It was the usual Christmas dinner but soooo good. What made it memorable was the washing of dishes and cleaning the kitchen afterward.  I have the best husband in the world.  He thinks because the women put so much time and effort into preparing a big meal that it is only right that the men do the clean up. The women all headed downstairs to enjoy some conversation while the men remained upstairs.  I was concerned that it was taking them a long time and there seemed to be some shouting going on.  This is what I found when I went to investigate.  All of them were hanging out in my bedroom watching an exciting basketball game, doing the dishes during half time and time outs.  Notice that they still all have their jammies on.  Priceless.

New Years Eve: While our company had started to dwindle (Daniel, Olivia, Matthew, Kere, and their kids were gone) there were still enough of us left to celebrate.  It was a perfect moonlit evening with fairly mild temperatures so we bundled up and went outside to toboggan in the back yard.   We attahed LED lights to our clothing and had a blast playing like little children in the snow. We packed the LED lights into snowballs and had a glow in the dark snowball fight.  The effect was almost magical. We rang in the New Year by lighting a fire in the chiminea with the intention of making s'mores but we became distracted with lighting off firecrackers which will be the subject of my next post.
Good times!

MISSED OPPORTUNITY

I kick myself now.  It was the perfect opportunity and I missed it.  Five men standing around a ladder looking up, with a sixth man (my husband) up on the top step trying to remove the canopy from our gazebo.  They all had their backs to me and it would have made a great photo but did I think to get the camera?  No.... I thought I would do the right thing and offer some assistance. I could see they were struggling to figure out how to get it off.  I opened the patio door and told them the finial needed to come off first.  They all turned to look at me with bewildered faces as if to ask "what?" I am sure not one of them wanted to look stupid by not knowing what a finial was so they stood there looking confused.  Dang it, another missed opportunity!  As soon as it was explained to them, off came the canopy in no time at all.  Had I not just got home from a trip to the big city and had I not been trying to get pizza in the oven for the lot of them, I am sure I would have not only got the camera out but the video camera would have been in my hand too and I would now be posting a video of six men trying to figure out how to remove the canopy.  I would have posted it on youtube. It would have gone viral.  I just know it.

TECHNOTARD

Technotard tekno-tard 
noun: techno- relating to technology and its use + tard- from the latin tardus meaning slow.
Okay, so it's not really a word.  I made it up. If it was a real word and you could actually look it up in a dictionary, I am sure you would find my husband's name under it as a definition.  I love my husband dearly.  As I have mentioned before, he has many talents but working with an appliance that has anything more than an on/off switch is going to be tough for him. This is especially true when it comes to our home theatre system.
He can...
turn on the TV
turn on the satellite receiver
change channels

He cannot...
select the right input for the DVD player
load the DVD player
turn on the surround sound
Apple TV? what's that?

It's not that he's never been shown.  I've given up trying to explain to him what to do.  It goes in one ear and out the other.  He doesn't pay attention because he figures he can get someone else to do it. That works when there is actually someone else in the house.   I once came home to find him annoyed at missing a crucial basketball game because he had somehow managed to press the favourites button on the remote that caused the TV guide to only display a list of our ten favourite channels.  It took me less than thirty seconds to realize what he had done and rectify the problem.
When it comes to Ian and technology, I feel like a genius.  He points out to me that he only does it to make me feel needed and useful.  Really?  Why then, did he have to go out for dinner one night because he couldn't figure out how to work the oven to heat the casserole I'd left out?

"I wasn't able to turn the oven on, is there a trick to it?"

"Did you try blowing in its ear?"


Not only am I technogenius, I am a comedienne as well.

PLAYING CUPID

So my husband turns to me today and asks if I wouldn't mind passing on an acquaintance's email to a certain young woman in our church congregation.  I was a little reluctant because I have never met this man and felt like I couldn't vouch for the guy's character even if my husband assured me that he could.
Me:  How old is this guy?
Ian: mmmm.... I'm not sure.
You have to have some sort of idea.
In his thirties maybe?
Oh that really narrows it down. Closer to twenty nine or to forty?
Maybe in the middle?
So, is he good looking?
Um... I don't know.
He looks totally panic stricken at this question. Is he afraid I will think he is gay if he answers yes? It is an offense to their masculinity to even suggest that they notice another man's appearance. Apparently, straight guys are not good judges of other guys looks.  Really?   I don't believe it, not one little bit.  They just won't admit it.

REALLY?

Some of you laughed at my darling husband's request as to where we kept the scissors (the same place they've been since we moved to this house 11 years ago) and perhaps wondered if it was a momentary memory lapse brought on by the panic of actually having to participate in craft making. Oh, if only such was the case.

Yesterday:

Ian: "Where are some clean sheets for the bed, Nathan needs some?"

Me: "The same place they've always been."

"And where would that be?"

"Are you serious?"

"Well how often do I make the bed?"

"Point taken. In the LINEN closet at the top of the stairs, next to the bathroom and across from the bedrooms".

This morning: (I will point out that Ian was helping with the dishes.)

Ian, holding up a cake pan.

"Where does this go?"

I give him the stare down and say nothing for a few seconds.

"Seriously?"

"yes, seriously!"

"The same place it has always gone."

"Oh, down here under the oven?"

"That would be a no. It goes in the cupboard beside the oven."

"How am I supposed to know these things?"

How is he supposed to know these things? Well maybe because most of the things he's looking for have been in the same spot for the past eleven years!

It's not just him though, our boys are notorious for not being able to find things in plain sight. I used to charge them a dollar if I could find something in the same place I told them they would find it, after searching for it themselves. I made a fair bit of money for a while until they learned to search better. It must be a man thing.

WHAT FUN

I had no idea that decorating a tent for a wedding was so much work or so much fun. The joy in it came from working together as a family to create something beautiful for our only daughter/sister. It took us the better part of an afternoon to set up tables and chairs and hang lanterns but the end result was well worth the effort.

The most amusing part of the day was the phone call I received from my dear husband as he tried to purchase more fabric for the tables. I had decided early on that I would prefer one long piece of cloth to cover a row of tables rather than smaller tablecloths for each table. It ended up being much cheaper than buying tablecloths and the effect was nicer. I am now the proud owner of 25 meters of white material. At $2.50 a meter it was a fraction of the cost of the cheapest tablecloths I could find at $14. I would have needed 12 so that was a saving of over $100 dollars. Then there was the added benefit of talking my husband through the ordeal of having to go to a fabric store and finding/purchasing the appropriate material. With the help of an attentive employee at the store, he passed with flying colours and arrived home quite pleased with himself. There is hope for the man after all.

THIS TIME NEXT WEEK

This time next week the tent will come down, the company will be gone, and I will hopefully be relaxing with my feet up on the sofa. I can hardly wait. Ian has taken this entire next week off of work to "help" with the final preparations. I will probably send him golfing (read it and weep Haki). I love my husband dearly, he has many talents but helping with wedding preparations is not one of them. For the time it would take me to explain what I want done, it would be faster just to do it myself.

Ian: What can I do to help?

Me: Can you make some paper flowers for me?

Sure I think I can manage that.

Take eight sheets of tissue paper.

How can you count out eight? These papers are all sticking together.

Dampen your finger.

It's putting holes in the paper.

I said dampen it not slobber all over it.

Okay, I've got eight now what do I do?

Do an accordion fold all the way down.

What size do I make the folds?

About an inch wide.

Does this look right?

Yep. that's fine.

But I don't think it's an inch.

It will be fine.

How come it's uneven on this side?

You'll have to redo it.

It's still not going right.

Here let me fix it. Now wrap a piece of wire round the middle and snip the ends into points.

Is this the middle?

Close enough.

How should I cut the ends?

Into points, you know, like an arrow.

Where do we keep the scissors?

The same place they've been for the last eleven years.

Oh... in the kitchen?

Yep.

It's hard cutting through all these layers. I can't do it. (frustration creeping in)

Just cut through a few layers at a time.

Okay now what?

Carefully peel each layer up and to the middle one at a time.

Oops... it ripped.

Gently, gently.

Uh oh, I ripped another piece.

You have to be really gentle.

Ummm.... how come it's ripping all the time.

It's tissue paper.

How come mine doesn't look like yours?

Maybe it has something to do with all the rips.

Is there another job I can do instead?

This was the simple job

Oh!

In the meantime, I've made three paper flowers, and written this post.

MEN ARE FROM MARS

It's been interesting watching people's reaction to the "big news" and it has made me realize just how different men are to women. It has been made even more evident discussing the reception plans with my husband and married son. The males are totally unfazed with the daunting task of putting a wedding together in just seven short weeks. They believe that seven weeks is more than ample time. Here is my idea of of a wedding planned by a (straight) guy. In other words, my husband.

Invitations= just call everybody on the phone, it's free and a whole lot easier. If you want to get fancy, email them.

Dinner= KFC, everybody loves that stuff.

Drinks= buy a few cases of soda, saves on glasses.

China= paper plates, no cleanup

Flatware= plastic cutlery, it comes in white, perfect wedding colour.

Decorations= what are those?

Wedding dress= Wear your mother's, she WAS your size when I married her. I'm sure it will fit.

Venue= We can clean out the garage. No one will notice the oil stains.

This is why my husband will not be involved in any of the reception plans. I will smile politely at his suggestions, ask for the check book, and roll my eyes heavenward as I walk away. Perhaps this was his plan all along.