WHAT DOES THE COW SAY?

One of the things about me that my daughter in law Emily finds highly amusing is my awesome talent at making realistic animal sounds.  With nine grandchildren this talent is used a lot and is particularly handy when it comes to singing 'Old MacDonald Had a Farm".  I have no problem showing this talent off and I can be very dramatic when it comes to the animal sounds (you should hear my elephant).

Last week I took one of my little grandsons to the Early Years Centre (a government sponsored drop in centre for children up to age six) and met up with Brittany and her two kids. Just before lunch it was circle time and we gathered to sing some action songs.  The facilitator changed it up this week and added 'Old MacDonald' to the repertoire.  I was disappointed when the first animal chosen by one of the kids was a horse (I haven't got that one down yet).  As we sang the second round the facilitator paused as we came to the part "and on his farm he had a ......" a little girl next to me shouted out cow and the facilitator continued "E-I-E-I-O , with a... and that is when I bellowed out a loud, deep moooooooo while everyone else said "oink".

CHRISTMAS PAJAMAS

Christmas pajamas are a bit of a tradition in our family but because most of our kids are off to their in-laws this Christmas, I decided to dispense with it this year. I was surprised by the disappointment this was met with (and not from my family).  So to ease the distress this has caused I have found some other families who were willing to share theirs.  Just be warned, some things can never be unseen.

Celebrating the redefinition of marriage and family, Bob poses with his wife and child.  I could be really inappropriate here but I will refrain.  

Jane discovered that the onset of menopause causes hair to grow in strange places. Again, I could say something really inappropriate and incredibly funny but I will contain myself.

This is just disturbing.

This is just wrong.

Ian got me this exact same outfit for Christmas.

Is it wrong that the most disturbing thingI find about this picture is the fact that the woman is wearing ankle socks with heels? 

"Dad, we couldn't find matching pajamas for you so you can just go naked."

All of a sudden, I am worried about the prospect of twins joining our family soon.  

Who thought that outfit was a good idea?  Not the husband obviously, he's the only one not smiling.

I think these kids wouldn't mind finding coal in their stockings.  It is black after all.  

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

A TALE FROM THE PAST

This little anecdote happened a number of years back when all five of my kids were under the age of ten.
 I had just said goodbye to Ian who was going out for the evening and I went to check on the kids who had been put to bed about a half an hour previously.  All of them were sleeping soundly so I decided I was going to run a well deserved,warm bath and soak for an hour.  As I lay there luxuriating in the bubbles the sudden thought hit me that I had forgotten to lock the front door.  That knowledge sabotaged any hope of truly enjoying my bath and my very active imagination set off a series of scenarios playing in my head all of which invariably lead to my untimely death at the hands of a serial killer.  As I lay there contemplating getting out of the bath to go and lock the door I noticed a shadow pass under the bathroom door.  It felt as if my heart stopped and for a moment I froze.

"Ian is that you?"  I called out.  "You're home late." I added, even though I was not expecting him home for at least another hour but I wasn't going to let my intruder know that.  I wanted him to think that someone would be home at any moment.
Not only was this met with silence but the shadow that had passed by now came back and stood still in front of the bathroom.
"Adam, is that you?"
Silence.
"Matthew, is that you?
Silence.
"Daniel?"
Silence.
"Brittany?"
"Nathan, is that you out there?  Do you need to go to the bathroom?"
Silence.
"Would you answer me please!"
Silence.
  My imagination kicked into high gear at this point.
I could see that the door handle was slowly being turned back and forth and I was convinced I was about to meet my doom.  I looked around the bathroom and realized there was absolutely nothing in there that  I could defend myself with and then I remembered watching something about the best thing you can do in a situation like that is to surprise your attacker because it will throw him off his game plan. This thought gave me courage, I wasn't going to be an easy target so I stepped out of the bath dripping wet, covered in bubbles, completely naked, and made my way to the door.  I undid the lock ever so quietly, yanked open the door, at the same time yelling in my very loudest voice "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!"
There stood three year old Nathan looking up at me with his big blue eyes, sheer terror on his face.
"Muuummy?"

SUNDAY SMILE-LOVE THY NEIGHBOR

One of the things I was looking forward to when we moved into our new house was meeting our neighbors.  At our old house we couldn't even see our neighbors but at our new house we are close enough that I can wave to my one neighbor through the window if we are both doing dishes at the same time and if I am out on the deck reading I can wave to the neighbor on the other side if she is sitting in her porch reading.
So let me tell you about our neighbors.  The lady on the one side of us is in her eighties.  Her husband is in a nursing home so she has her daughter living with her.  Up until about last week when the weather got colder I could count on her swimming by at least two times a day.  She is an inspiration to me.  I only hope that I am as active as she is when I am that age.
The neighbors on the other side of us are an Italian couple also in their eighties.  Fortunately they are all hard of hearing so they really don't mind when all seven of the grandkids are here whooping and hollering in the water. Anyway... the Italian couple often call me over to chat when I am in the yard,  this can be entertaining as neither of them hear well and both have thick accents.  One day John (83) calls me over.  "I have some cucumbers from my garden I wanna give you." he said to me in his thick Italian accent.
I told him I'd be over in just a minute, I just needed to grab a grocery bag to put them in.  I quickly ducked into the house because I was only dressed in my rather revealing bathing suit and I joked with Emily that I needed to put a cover up on or John might want to give me more than a cucumber. I headed next door and John told me what cucumbers I should pick.  The conversation went something like this.

"Your husband, how come I never see him?"

"He works for a living.  He'll be home tonight."

"He no stay around much?"

"Yes, he's just busy right now because we've been away a lot and he has some catching up to do."

"Ah! When he at home, he spend all his time with you?"

"Mostly but he likes to golf too."

"Okay so here all the cucumber I gonna give you."

"Thank you so much, I appreciate it."

"That's okay.  You give me a little kiss now eh?"

I wouldn't normally kiss the guy but we'd been to his house a couple of times and both he and his wife as I was leaving kissed me... on the lips...I thought it must be an Italian thing. So I leaned over and gave him a quick kiss on the lips and that's when he slipped in a little tongue action.  I couldn't believe it.  I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.  I pushed him away and gave him a little slap on the chest and I think I said "that's not okay".  I would have slapped him a little harder had he not been 83 and had I not been in total shock.
Later that afternoon we all went for a swim and I dove off the dock.  I happened to glance into their yard and there John was working on the retaining wall on his beach.  The next thing I know, off comes his shirt and he shovels away topless.  I would have put it down to coincidence except a couple of hours later he does the exact same thing.  I go in for another swim and the next thing I know, he is shirtless again.  Needless to say, my family has been having great fun at my expense.

SUNDAY SMILE (a day early)

For those of you who have not seen this yet, it is definitely a must watch.  This is an actual news report that went  on air the other day.

I am left wondering how many people saw these names before it went to air.  Even I knew there was Sum Ting Wong as soon as I saw it.
Thanks to my son Daniel who shared this with me.  It made made a great day even better!

TRUE STORY

This morning my adorable little grandson Ammon, was trying to walk to me with his father's help and just as he reached me he slipped and hit his head on the arm of my chair. I picked him up to console him but he was pretty upset and nothing seemed to comfort him, I even offered him a bit of the granola  I was eating but he was having none of it.  I handed him over to his mother and noticed that I must have dropped a bit of oatmeal onto the back of my hand so I picked it up and popped it into my mouth and chewed on it.  The taste and texture wasn't quite what I was expecting so I spat it out into my hand to discover much to my horror that I was chewing on Ammon's crusty booger.  Now even hours later, I still feel sick at the thought.  They don't taste quite like I remember them.

GOTTA LOVE KIDS

You can never let your guard down when you have kids.  If they aren't getting into some sort of mischief because you've left them unattended for two minutes (this is enough time to dump an entire two liter bottle of vegetable oil onto the kitchen floor), they will be sure to embarrass you with some unsolicited observation in a crowded grocery store... "oooh that lady is sooooo old" this said in a loud voice regarding a lady who couldn't have been over 50.

  I came across the following video and just had to share.  It made me laugh out loud and I am sure you will get a chuckle out of it too.

SUNDAY SMILE

I have been doing a bit of online shopping this past week in preparation for Christmas.  These are some of the products I have passed on for various reasons.

1. My butt doesn't need a lawyer but when it does...

 2. I don't think I could ever be thirsty enough.

 3. I don't eat with this orifice.

 4. I find washing my clothes with barf doesn't get them as clean as I would like and I really don't care for the scent.

 5. I am not eating sugar right now but apparently the Aussies love this stuff.

6.  I hear these are very addictive.

 7.I think this goes with the crack sticks.

 8. I'm not even going to comment on this one.

SUNDAY SMILE

Was it just yesterday that I was sitting on a beach in sunny Miami?  It seems like ages ago already.  Apparently there were a few celebrities staying at our posh hotel but the only interesting things I spotted were a couple of overweight old men donning speedos.  Seriously it was like watching the carnage of a road accident as you pass by, you know you shouldn't stare but you just can't seem to help yourself.  I had the good taste not to take any photos, okay that's a lie... I just didn't have my camera with me. We all know my sense of decorum.  To prove it watch this.  If you don't at least smile we should maybe reconsider our friendship.

VANILLA NICE

Admit it, you read the blog title and started singing Vanilla ice, ice, baby in your head.  

I hope you're sitting down while reading this because I wouldn't want you falling over with shock when I announce that I have already started making Christmas gifts.  Crazy eh?  One of the things I am making this year is homemade vanilla essence.  It is simple to make but must steep for about two months before it can be used.  Look at me being all organized, my husband should be impressed.

One of the key ingredients when making vanilla essence is vodka.  Being a Mormon, the thought of going to the liquor store made me feel a little uneasy.  "What if someone I know spots me" I fretted to a friend.  "Even though it is for something totally innocent it just doesn't look good."
My friend's suggestion?  "Wear a disguise."  That comment made me laugh out loud.  That would make me look even more guilty, skulking around the liquor store wearing a disguise.

I headed into the liquor store and quickly found the vodka aisle, looked for the cheapest and largest bottle I could find, and made my way to the checkout.  The man at the cash register asked if I had found everything I was looking for.  I told him yes and explained almost guiltily about why I was buying such a large bottle.  I don't think he believed me.  I hurried from the store relieved I that I had not been spotted.  As I was climbing into my car I accidentally pushed the panic button on the key fob. Suddenly my forty ounce bottle of vodka and I were the whole focus of attention in the parking lot. So much for going unnoticed.

SUNDAY SMILE

This week's episode of the Sunday Smile is brought to you courtesy of my daughter-in-law Emily, who came across these pictures taken by obviously amateur photographers.

I hope you enjoy them as much as we do.

Ugly Hand girl resorted to living in the woods to avoid the cruel stares from others.

 This young man was able to find a girlfriend despite the fact that he wears polish on his toenails to accentuate his lovely sandals.

She looks like a girl but her arms are just so...so...manly.

Inspiration for both Sir Mix A Lot and Queen.  (The one likes big butts and he cannot lie and the other thinks fat bottomed girls make the rockin' world go round.)

"What do you mean, I have girlie legs?"

I know that the one thing is a kid's arm but I am not sure what the other thing is, either way, the girl on the right seems terrified it might touch her while the girl on the left seems impressed. 

This young man is quite the contortionist.  With that bathing suit I am guessing he's from Europe.

 Don't get your knickers in a knot, I am not posting photos of naked bums, just naked arms.  

 See?  It's just another bare arm.

 The fashion police issued this picture as proof that wearing stripes makes you look wider  than you are.

RIGHT ON TARGET

The greatest news to hit our area recently was the announcement that our local Zellers was being converted to a Target store.  For those of you who have shopped across the border at Target, you'll know what exciting news this is.  We had heard rumours before but now there is actual evidence with big "Closing Out" sales signs splashed across the front of the store windows.  I can't resist a good sale so in I went.  I purchased a few items that were more than 50% off (score!).  There were a couple of items I left on the shelf though.

I personally have nothing against leopard print gardening tools...

and I may have purchased them if my gardener looked like this.  Who knew gardening tools could be sexy?

If only this went with my decor.  Notice that it is in my cart.  I found it in there after I had wandered away for a moment to use the price check scanner.  Thanks Olivia!  Really though, who would buy this? Enquiring minds want to know!

TOILET HUMOUR

Before dinner last night I drank a huge glass of water and I had another again with my meal.  Needless to say, an hour or so later my bladder was feeling the strain.  I was at a friend's house at this point so I asked to use her toilet.  I went into the bathroom and saw this little contraption (minus the handles) sitting on the toilet.

You can file this under TMI (too much information) but when I pee...

• I do not trickle.
• it comes out fast and under high pressure.
• I cannot stop.

So....I sat on the toilet and all of a sudden I heard splashing on the tile floor.  I looked down to see the stream shooting across the the channel, over the edge and onto the floor and there was nothing I could do to stop the flood.  I tried moving farther back on the seat but that just made matters worse as my new position caused the stream to arc higher to the point that it almost reached the wall in front of me. I shifted again and the stream now escaped over the edges of the channel and onto the rest of the seat. I could only watch helplessly as my own personal Niagara Falls formed a lake on the bathroom floor.  

I asked for a rag, mopped up the floor (it took a while), and left to run some other errands in town  red faced and with slightly damp undies.  I know... TMI

FASHIONISTA

While in town grocery shopping today my lovely daughter-in-law suggested we stop by Winners to check out their amazing end of summer, clearance sale.  Being of Scottish descent I could not pass up the opportunity to save some money so off we went.   As we rifled through the clearance racks, I came across the ghastliest pair of pants I had ever seen.  It didn't surprise me that they were on sale for the very reduced price of three dollars.  I showed them to Emily and we had a good laugh.  I put them back on the rack and walked away but then the thought came to me that for three dollars I could have some fun so I put them in the cart and purchased them.

When I got home from shopping I slipped out of the jeans I was wearing and donned my new ghastly pants so that Ian would think that I had worn them in town. (This was done in the driveway before I entered the house... and I wonder why embarrassing things happen to me.)

Emily and I both were doubled over in laughter as we went into the house.  It was hard to wipe the smiles off our faces as Ian entered the room, in fact Emily hid her face behind the fridge door as she put groceries away. I waited for his reaction.

"What are you smiling about" he asked.

"Nothing" I replied.

"You were waiting for me to say something about the pants right?" (he thought I was testing to see if he would even notice them)

"Don't  you like them?"

"Actually I do."

His reaction surprised me and totally disappointed me.  It was so not what I was expecting.

"You like them?!!!!"

"Yes, why?  What's wrong with them?"

"I look like a peacock!"


This is why Ian is not allowed to buy me clothes.

I wore the pants for the rest of the night waiting to hear the reaction from both Matthew and Nathan.  Matthew didn't say a thing although he told me later he now knew where his brothers got their sense of style and Nathan said something about the '70s wanting their pants back.

I still can't believe that my husband would be okay with me going out in public with these on.

SUNDAY SMILE

PLANES, TRAINS, & AUTOMOBILES

 Showing more crack than the average plumber.

"Hey, I'm up here!"

I think Nathan went to this driving school.

Not quite as famous as the San Francisco Trolley.  I wonder why?

I think he's exhausted.

 My kids have ridden this train before.

I'm not sure what language is on the bus but if she's telling us she's got two, we get the message.

SUNDAY SMILE

I don't know about you, but after Andy Murray's defeat today at Wimbledon I could sure use a smile,

so if you are feeling a little down, I hope this lifts your spirits a little.  If not, it will at least leave you wondering "What the heck????"

A young Steve Buscemi researches his role as Rooster Cockburn. 

I am fighting a tough battle. I so want to say something inappropriate about this picture.  The look on the cats' faces says it all.

In other news... after being abandoned by it's mother, a puppy is "nursed" back to health by Bob who heard that skin to skin contact is best.

Did you know that in the '80s, Chris Rock was a white guy who dabbled in the occult?  True story.  Here's the proof.

 Just a wild guess here but I'm thinking this guy is single.

This guy too.

On a sad note, a family of four was strangled to death when their pet boa escaped from its enclosure. 

You can insert your own inappropriate comment here.  I am not touching this one.